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Posts Tagged ‘self pity’

Comparing yourself to anyone is one of the greatest sources of unhappiness I can think of..

The second you have made a comparison – “They’re happier..”, “They’ve got their act together..”, “They are so in love..”, “They’re kids are wonderful…”, “They are acheiving so much…”, “He’s so much happier without me..”  etc.. etc… – Not only have you made a judgement about something you would know nothing about (scratch the surface of nearly anyone’s life and you will find that they have been through or are going through a lot of crap themselves), but,  something happens inside you..  A denying of yourself..  Slowly but surely it erodes your self confidence, your very being becomes clogged with negativity and feelings of self pity and not being “good enough”..

Wonder why we do it?  I wonder why I do it..  I understand on an intellectual level how damaging it is for me..  I also understand it from a different perspective too, I can actually feel the darkness permeate through me as I compare myself – it’s an instaneous reaction..  And yet..  I continue to do it..  I continue to make assumptions about other people’s lives, which, in turn, makes me feel somehow “less than..”..  Am I becoming so addicted to pain, that I need to twist the knife myself?  Is it a form of self-sabotage?

Awareness is the first step to altering that which you no longer want in your life..  Well..  I am more than aware – have been for quite a few years now…  Hmmmm..  I wonder what the next steps are…

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Silence..

Yes.. I have been totally silent..  What can I say.. 

Lost my voice.. Lost my words…

Hopefully they’ll come back soon..

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Excuses…

I haven’t written anything here for a while for a variety of reasons.. 

Some days, I just have had no words..

Some days, I have wanted to concentrate on my book..

Some days, I have just felt so stuck in my own misery that I didn’t want to..

Some days, have just become so busy – there has been no time..

All these are the excuses I have given myself as I sit and stare at my computer screen..

But, I think the main reason is the emotional turmoil I am feeling at the moment.. 

To have experienced a truly beautiful love, something so unique, unbelievably special and magical, the depth of which I have never experienced in this life – Is something I should be eternally grateful for..

Instead, I sit here in abject misery because it is gone.. 

When does the joy come back after a broken heart?  When do you begin to live again?  When can you look at what you’ve experienced without it causing you pain?  When can you look at it and feel the gratitude for at least experiencing it?

I know it’s a choice to feel miserable – I know that I can experience unconditional love that wells up inside me (for some reason I’m just choosing not to..)…

Hmmmm… 

Sorry..  Just had to go BLAH!

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Self sabotage is interesting..  Totally unconsciously, it holds you in a place of darkness.. It limits your very essence..  It controls your life with voices of duty, guilt, regret, self pity – all the while trying to make you feel better about choices that have left you feeling empty, hollow, confused..

Wonder why it is that we do that?  Is it because we are terrified of following our dreams – our desires – our passions – just in case they don’t work out?  If you don’t follow your dreams, you never have to risk anything..  But, the alternative is so much worse..  A life half lived is a waste of a life.. 

To know passion & love..  To follow our dreams..  To follow our hearts.. Is to live.

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Negativity..

I need to get out of my own little pity party..  I need to take action to release the negativity that is swelling up inside me, threatening to take over my very soul..  I know I have the choice to do this, I know it is within my power to do this..  I know I have the tools at my disposal to accomplish this..   Why then, am I still here?  Has it become a habit, an addiction to pain?  Is it because in my pain, I have cut myself off from the source?  Or is it simply self-sabotage?

I have no idea..

What I do know is that I want to be me again.. I want to feel complete and whole within myself..  I want to experience life, and joy again..  I want to find the small things in life wonderful again – I want to jump up and down, do cartwheels (even when I get so dizzy I think I’m going to pass out!), dance in the rain, I want to have fun, I want to find meaning in an insane world, I want to feel connected to the flow of the universe.. 

And so, the battle will continue to be waged – I’m just hoping that the pain will not win out – that I don’t simply shut down..  That would be my worst nightmare!

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