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Posts Tagged ‘searching’

Words that nearly everyone can relate to..  If you have lived, I believe you will have at some point in your life, experienced your heart breaking…  Whether it be from a relationship with a significant other, with parents, with children or indeed with a special pet, or something else entirely, to live is to experience heart break.

The reason for this post, however, is not to explore heart break, but to write about a wonderful book I have read by fellow blogger Vivienne Tuffnell called “Strangers and Pilgrims”.

It begins by exploring the lives of different people and their individual paths as they journey through life, each experiencing their own special form of misery.  Each of them getting so desperate that they type in the words “My heart is breaking and I’m dying inside” into a search engine hoping beyond hope that by some miracle, they can find what they need to begin living again.

And oh my, that is where the journey truly begins..  The way Viv brings her characters to life and weaves her way through their lives is truly magical..  I literally could not put the second half of the book down, I continued to read until 3 in the morning, without any comprehension of time passing. And yes, I did have work on the next day – so warning – read it on the weekend!

Such a talented writer, with tremendous insight into human nature, she makes each of the characters believable and draws you into their lives with effortless ease.

I really loved it..  Thank you Viv for bringing it to life.

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Unconditional love..  Is it a real possibility or is it an urban myth?

How many people can live and breathe Unconditional Love 24/7?

I used to believe that I loved my children, my family (brothers, mother, uncles, nephews, cousins, etc etc), my friends unconditionally..  And, I knew I was always needing to learn unconditional love when I had a partner..

Now, I’m not so sure..

To me, to live with Unconditional Love means:

  • to love someone without any hidden agendas,
  • to love them no matter what they do,
  • to love them without expectation or judgement,
  • to see their light rather than their behaviour,
  • to know that there are no labels (good, bad, etc) – everything just is.

When I look at that list, I know deep within me that I can tick the top two – but the bottom three?  Wow..  As I said I used to think I did!   However, after listening to one of my daughters, I realised that I do judge my children (in the sense of getting disappointed with the things they do, especially now that they are mini adults and needing to spread their wings) – I do get caught up in their behaviour – I do get so pissed off with them that I am the one needing a “time out”.  If it’s not possible for me to love my own children unconditionally, is that whole concept a possibility for me at all?

Why is it that the people with whom we have the closest relationship, tend to be the ones we are most conditional about?  What is really at play here?  Our ego?  The mirror with all its facets saying “right back at you”?  Is it all a rouse to wake us up?  Maybe it’s because we are not unconditional with ourselves first and foremost.

I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to always come from a position of love.  Love is our natural state.  When did it stop being so?  Or at least becoming so that we have to search to find it?  Have we really gone that far astray from ourselves?  I know when I am coming from a position of love, my entire being vibrates at an entirely different level and I feel so at peace and at one with the world.  Knowing that feeling..  Experiencing that feeling…  Why on earth do I ever allow myself to go back to the lower vibrations?  Is it a habit to live in those lower vibrations?  If so, then surely I can make love a habit…

That is what I am currently working on..  And oh my, it is a constant challenge.  I have to catch those unloving thoughts (that seem to occur with ease) as they creep in and turn them around.  It’s fascinating to watch – like one of those cartoons with an angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other both whispering in your ear.  Which one am I going to listen to now?  (Was it this tricky to learn the other habit?)

Even after all of this questioning, I still believe that it’s a real possibility…

Awareness being the first step of awakening…

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There is no such thing as a neutral thought..  Everything we think we apply a judgement to it… Good, bad, better, worse, etc etc…

Think of chocolate..  In itself, very neutral.. It is neither good nor bad, it just is…  Until we start thinking about it..  Yummmmm…  Fattening….  Pimple inducing… Yummmmm…  Sweet…  Gooooood…  Oh no – it’s going straight to my hips just thinking about it… Nourishing… Did I mention Yummmm?…  Comforting…      You get the idea!

I wonder what our world would look like if we stopped making judgements and just accepted what is…

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Forgiveness..  Interesting concept…

What happens when you don’t forgive?  I know what happens to me..  A part of me shrivels up & dies or creates another hard layer of my psyche that is difficult to shift..  And the more I try to push it aside, more & more of my life force/energy gets eaten away until I am left with just a smidgen of what I could be…

Is that any way to live? Is that any way to be?

You are only hurting yourself when you do not forgive..

What I am learning now, is that I can easily forgive other people – so much so that my mother believes me to be an “easy target” and my children think I am weak and need protecting!  (What they don’t understand (at the moment) is that it is a tough road to follow – to pull yourself up when you perceive an attack and let it go.  Which is quite different to ignoring or avoiding a situation.)

However, when it comes to me, I am having great difficulty…  It seems that I have a tendency to be really hard on myself and expect a great deal from myself.  When I fall short of those expectations, I do not forgive, I just give myself a hard time…  No loving thoughts coming my way from me!!

Why is that?

I guess I don’t need to know why…  I just need to learn..  Learn to be loving towards myself..  Learn to offer myself the same advice as I would offer my friends…  Learn to forgive myself..

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Quote..

 Be less of a judge and you will be surprised that when you become a witness and you don’t judge yourself, you stop judging others too. And that makes you more human, more compassionate, more understanding. 

Osho

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Are having “bad days” a normal part of the human experience?  Can we eliminate them?  Is peace and harmony within an attainable (and if attainable, a sustainable) way of being?  Are we denying an aspect of ourselves if we don’t allow all of our feelings?  Or if we do allow all of our feelings – does it open a gateway to negativity?

As you can tell.. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately..  And doing a lot of reading on how our thoughts impact our world – everything I read “You can Heal Your Life”, “Happy for no Reason”, “The Secret”, etc..  the list goes on and on..  are all about maintaining a positive outlook and how damaging it can be to your life to allow negativity in.. 

Now, I understand this..  However, as a human being, I have both “positive” and “negative” qualities within me (in “” because they are just judgements in the way we view life – I don’t necessarily believe in good or bad – I believe more in experiences and the lessons we learn through those..)  – to not embrace the “negative” – to ignore it or chase it away – is denying a whole aspect of myself..  How can anything “positive” come of that?  How can I be complete within myself if I ignore parts of my being?  How can I love myself completely, if I am so busy denying who I really am?

I think that by pushing away the shadow side of myself, by not examining it when it comes up – keeps it hidden, in darkness, left there to fester because it is not given a voice..  By shedding light on it when it comes up, may be an extremely difficult thing to do at the time, because it can cause so much pain and anguish, but, it also allows for complete healing, and, I think, more importantly, complete acceptance for who I am as a person.. 

So..  There will be days where I am feeling low and have let the weight of life get me down, but if I examine why those feelings are coming up, I am a lot closer to healing them than if I denied them or simply pushed them to one side with a positive thought.. To push anything to one side is not dealing with it, it may make me feel better in the short term, but, in the long term it creates barriers.  Barriers that stunt my growth as a person, barriers that make me limited in my thinking and my way of being.. 

That’s my belief today..  To know that I have every colour of the rainbow within me – and my purpose is to integrate them all into my whole being – to be a complete person..

 I want to accept that shadow side of myself..

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Comparing yourself to anyone is one of the greatest sources of unhappiness I can think of..

The second you have made a comparison – “They’re happier..”, “They’ve got their act together..”, “They are so in love..”, “They’re kids are wonderful…”, “They are acheiving so much…”, “He’s so much happier without me..”  etc.. etc… – Not only have you made a judgement about something you would know nothing about (scratch the surface of nearly anyone’s life and you will find that they have been through or are going through a lot of crap themselves), but,  something happens inside you..  A denying of yourself..  Slowly but surely it erodes your self confidence, your very being becomes clogged with negativity and feelings of self pity and not being “good enough”..

Wonder why we do it?  I wonder why I do it..  I understand on an intellectual level how damaging it is for me..  I also understand it from a different perspective too, I can actually feel the darkness permeate through me as I compare myself – it’s an instaneous reaction..  And yet..  I continue to do it..  I continue to make assumptions about other people’s lives, which, in turn, makes me feel somehow “less than..”..  Am I becoming so addicted to pain, that I need to twist the knife myself?  Is it a form of self-sabotage?

Awareness is the first step to altering that which you no longer want in your life..  Well..  I am more than aware – have been for quite a few years now…  Hmmmm..  I wonder what the next steps are…

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What if…

We realised that we are all connected.

We woke up to a world where there was total acceptance.  Where we lived side by side in peace and harmony.

We remembered who we really are.

Everyone practiced unconditional love.

We realised we were powerful beyond our wildest imagination.

There was nothing holding us back, except our own self imposed limitations.

– We awoke from the illusion of this world

What a beautiful world we could create.. How I yearn for that world.

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Deeper..

How many onion layers do we possess?  How many layers must we peel away to find our inner truth?  How many emotions/past lives etc do we need to clear in order to find a sense of peace and harmony within?

With every experience we have, we have a choice on how that experience affects us.  We can choose to ignore it, push it to one side, put it into a safety deposit box in our mind, try to erase memories, all because we don’t want to face the emotions coming up.  When we do those things we build a layer around ourselves – a layer that hardens over time – a layer that we think will protect us.  But in reality, those layers are the things keeping us from being truly happy.. Those layers hold us back, keep us seperate, build so many barriers that we can no longer feel.  That is how I have been my entire life – just pushing all my pain and hurt to one side – I was taught that you do that in order to get on with life – that you have to be strong – that there is no place for emotion in this harsh world of ours..  It’s a wonder I’m not a skyscraper with the amount of layers I’m carrying!

Or, you can choose to deal with whatever comes up at the time.. Hmmm…  Such a novel idea – and seems so easy to do – yeah, right!!

And now, I am in the process of peeling away those layers..  It is hard work!  Just when you think you are there – something comes up to test you and you realise that there are still more layers.. I feel like someone is standing over me with a pendulum swinging in front of my eyes, chanting “deeper, deeper..”   So, I will continue on with the shedding, because I want to live my life from my truth – I want to be who I was meant to be.

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Does anyone think about all the “self-help” books out there?  Does anyone out there believe they work?

I’m not too sure..

I have so so many books – I devour them..  I have books on “The Secret”,  Power of positive thinking books, Ascension books, Chakra books, Healing books, Happiness books, Wicca books, – you name it – I pretty much have it..  And some have given me a lot of “Aha” moments..

But still.. I’m not too sure..

Do these books make people feel even worse – especially if the “exercises” contained within the books do not help/change/etc the person reading the book?  Because now there is a sense of failure on top of whatever reason they purchased the book in the first place?  A sense of failure because if the “ordinary” person writing the book (the person who has gone through their own personal journey to get to the point where they can write about it & share their knowledge) can do it – why can’t they?  If it’s as easy as following the step by step instructions – why can’t they get it?  It can seem to compound whatever woes they are experiencing..  And yet, we can perpetuate our issues as we continue to buy more & more books – surely its as easy as they are making out..  Surely there is an easy answer out there.. 

What if our lessons in this life are meant to contain copious amounts of suffering (what if our souls chose this life to experience suffering – so that other lives can contain peace and harmony)? 

What if the purpose of life is to follow your own inner guidance – not read about other people’s answer’s?  

I’m not too sure…

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