Posts Tagged ‘panic’

I can’t believe it’s been sooo long since I’ve posted anything.. I’ve been missing everyone!

I have been unbelievably busy rehearsing for the play that opened on Thursday night.  Yes!! Opening night is over – woo hoo!! And I made it through – I didn’t forget my lines – I didn’t fall apart at the seams (although, it did feel like I would leading up to the event..).. 

I really had forgotten how much I love the experience of amateur theatre.. I love the rehearsing, the camaraderie that is created, the learning of lines, the getting out of my comfort zone, the only things that I am still a little (oh, ok.. A LOT) nervous about are the actual performances and all that is required from you (like curtain calls & the meet & greet afterwards).. 

There have been so many memorable moments – both on stage & off.. There have been times where I have laughed so much, my cheeks were sore.. There have been times when I have been so embarrassed I just wanted to slink away.. There have been times where I have been so exhausted, I thought I would collapse in a heap..  And then there have been the times where I felt completely at home with a cast and crew of over 13 people from all different walks of life..

Oooh.. I also had my very first radio interview the other day (on the play) – So all in all, even though my “normal” life has been pushed aside over the last few months – it has been and is continuing to be a wonderful experience.. I will be forever grateful for being part of it..

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Oh boy..

I thought I was so cool about auditioning for a couple of plays at the local amateur theatre group – thought I could deal with it – thought I was ready for it..  Now that it’s tomorrow – I’m so so nervous..

All my insecurities are coming to the fore.. 

Rejection – Why am I doing this to myself?  Why am I deliberately putting myself out there in a position to be totally rejected?  Am I some kind of idiot?

Not being good enough – What if I am so bad, that people start laughing?  What if I don’t get a part?  Then, I have to write a blog post about how bad I was!! What if I do – and I’m really really bad?

Fears – What happens if by some miracle I do actually get a part – and I forget my lines? Or someone else forgets their lines? Will I be good enough to cover – or will I just freeze?  What if I get so nervous that my voice breaks in the middle of my lines?

Oh boy..

I haven’t even decided which plays I want to audition for.  You see, they are doing one large play (complete with 10 performances) – and a series of 10  minute plays (with 3 performances).  Now, if I was a sensible person – I’d audition for one of the 10 munute plays – just to ease myself into it (& knowing they need over 36 actors – oh bummer – I shouldn’t have admitted to that – I would have to be really really bad not to get a part under those circumstances!!) – to get the feel of acting..  But no!  I’m thinking about auditioning for both of them (one 10 minute play and the big one).. I am totally insane! 

I’ll let you know how badly I do tomorrow night!

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Today was a total mixture – full of every emotion I possess.. 

This morning, there was confusion, doubt, tears..  Time spent in therapy, trying to clear some of the crap that I have accumulated over the years.. Normally after that, I feel wonderful for the rest of the day..  But, not today!  Today directly after, I was in panic mode, my heart in my throat, unable to concentrate on anything..  Then, the nervousness began.. 

This afternoon – well, let’s just say, this afternoon was total bliss.. I looked into the eyes of someone I love with all of my being – nothing can compare with that feeling..  I felt at home, complete, enveloped in love for the first time in months..  I’d forgotten what it could be like..  Now, the patience must begin..

And if you knew me, you would know that patience is not a strong point of mine.  I am, however, willing to learn..  Am I scared? – yes – terrified actually..  But then I think of his eyes – I listen to my heart – and it’s not telling me to run away (my mind is.. my mind is saying “Run for the hills”.. get away, while you still have some sanity..), but my heart – my heart belongs to him.

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