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Posts Tagged ‘love lost’

Excuses…

I haven’t written anything here for a while for a variety of reasons.. 

Some days, I just have had no words..

Some days, I have wanted to concentrate on my book..

Some days, I have just felt so stuck in my own misery that I didn’t want to..

Some days, have just become so busy – there has been no time..

All these are the excuses I have given myself as I sit and stare at my computer screen..

But, I think the main reason is the emotional turmoil I am feeling at the moment.. 

To have experienced a truly beautiful love, something so unique, unbelievably special and magical, the depth of which I have never experienced in this life – Is something I should be eternally grateful for..

Instead, I sit here in abject misery because it is gone.. 

When does the joy come back after a broken heart?  When do you begin to live again?  When can you look at what you’ve experienced without it causing you pain?  When can you look at it and feel the gratitude for at least experiencing it?

I know it’s a choice to feel miserable – I know that I can experience unconditional love that wells up inside me (for some reason I’m just choosing not to..)…

Hmmmm… 

Sorry..  Just had to go BLAH!

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Love…

What is love?  Love for a partner?  I feel it so completely with him (the look into the eyes and nothing else matters) – and yet – it continually brings me to my knees..  My need for him is intense.. The joy I experience when I’m with him incomparable..  And yet – it is gone.  Again, it is gone – just wiped away – placed into the too hard basket!  

The pain I never realised I could experience, continues – the crying – unabated.

Lost love – something I would not wish for on my worst enemy.

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Grateful..

Some history..

4 months ago, the love of my life told me that he could no longer continue with our relationship..  I have been totally devasted ever since..  So much heartache, so much pain – I thought I could never get through it – I thought I would die – I cried for 3 months straight, never letting up..  I cried in front of clients, friends (both new & old) and family..  I had lost any sense of identity – anything I thought was me had disappeared.. I was officially a blank canvas..

This total breakdown was so unusual for me – so outside any experience I have had.  You see I had always been taught that you don’t show your emotions – it only shows your weakness!  And heaven forbid you allow yourself to be vulnerable!!  So, I grew up holding everything inside – only crying when noone else was around – always being bright & cherpy around people – even hid my emotions from myself! 

Anyway, all that is a little bit of background (the last 4 months have been the biggest challenge in my life to date – for more than that reason..)  But, the huge huge positives during this time have been the people in my life..

My clients who pay me to assist them have turned into my therapists, some offer me a shoulder to cry on, some offer me extra work – just so I can pay my bills..  One texts me every single day just to cheer me up.. That same man knows when I am feeling so low and in need of a hug, on his way home from work, he will take a detour (about 1/2 hour out of his way) come here, knock on my door – hug me – then leave again..

My friends are just continually there for me – they listen – they empathise – they cajole – they offer their wisdom – they nurture..

And now, I am meeting people here..  It seems so many people have come and are coming out of the woodwork at my lowest point in this life. 

In between the tears – I feel so very grateful and blessed.

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