Posts Tagged ‘joy’


When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So, what the hell, leap!

Cynthia Heimel

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On a more positive note..

I have decided to take action in my life.. 

To fill my life up with things I like to do..  Now trying to figure out what I like to do has been pretty tricky, considering I lost myself so completely, but parts of me that have been long hidden (and I mean looooong) are beginning to re-emerge.. 

My starting point was to go back to things that I enjoyed doing when I was oh so young.. (& Yes, I can remember back that far!!).  I loved creative writing – acting – photography – dancing – power tools – pulling machinery apart & putting it back together – metaphysics – tarot – numerology – reading –  (I know.. I know.. – eclectic might begin to describe it).. 

Hmmm…  Where does that leave me?


  • I’ve started a book that has been in my mind for over 10 years..
  • I joined a basketball team (don’t quite know where that fits in – apart from sooo much fun!!)
  • I’m auditioning for a couple of plays at the local theatre..
  • I’ve joined a group that meets every Thursday night – we discuss all sorts of topics from metaphysics to dancing..  (Great bunch of people).
  • I’m dancing every Wednesday night – hmmm – attempting to go every Wednesday..

That’s for starters..  I think that’s probably where it will end as well, because the rest of my life has to fit in somewhere as well..  Like raising 3 gorgeous daughters and running my business…

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I need to get out of my own little pity party..  I need to take action to release the negativity that is swelling up inside me, threatening to take over my very soul..  I know I have the choice to do this, I know it is within my power to do this..  I know I have the tools at my disposal to accomplish this..   Why then, am I still here?  Has it become a habit, an addiction to pain?  Is it because in my pain, I have cut myself off from the source?  Or is it simply self-sabotage?

I have no idea..

What I do know is that I want to be me again.. I want to feel complete and whole within myself..  I want to experience life, and joy again..  I want to find the small things in life wonderful again – I want to jump up and down, do cartwheels (even when I get so dizzy I think I’m going to pass out!), dance in the rain, I want to have fun, I want to find meaning in an insane world, I want to feel connected to the flow of the universe.. 

And so, the battle will continue to be waged – I’m just hoping that the pain will not win out – that I don’t simply shut down..  That would be my worst nightmare!

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Today was a total mixture – full of every emotion I possess.. 

This morning, there was confusion, doubt, tears..  Time spent in therapy, trying to clear some of the crap that I have accumulated over the years.. Normally after that, I feel wonderful for the rest of the day..  But, not today!  Today directly after, I was in panic mode, my heart in my throat, unable to concentrate on anything..  Then, the nervousness began.. 

This afternoon – well, let’s just say, this afternoon was total bliss.. I looked into the eyes of someone I love with all of my being – nothing can compare with that feeling..  I felt at home, complete, enveloped in love for the first time in months..  I’d forgotten what it could be like..  Now, the patience must begin..

And if you knew me, you would know that patience is not a strong point of mine.  I am, however, willing to learn..  Am I scared? – yes – terrified actually..  But then I think of his eyes – I listen to my heart – and it’s not telling me to run away (my mind is.. my mind is saying “Run for the hills”.. get away, while you still have some sanity..), but my heart – my heart belongs to him.

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