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Posts Tagged ‘insecurity’

Comparing yourself to anyone is one of the greatest sources of unhappiness I can think of..

The second you have made a comparison – “They’re happier..”, “They’ve got their act together..”, “They are so in love..”, “They’re kids are wonderful…”, “They are acheiving so much…”, “He’s so much happier without me..”  etc.. etc… – Not only have you made a judgement about something you would know nothing about (scratch the surface of nearly anyone’s life and you will find that they have been through or are going through a lot of crap themselves), but,  something happens inside you..  A denying of yourself..  Slowly but surely it erodes your self confidence, your very being becomes clogged with negativity and feelings of self pity and not being “good enough”..

Wonder why we do it?  I wonder why I do it..  I understand on an intellectual level how damaging it is for me..  I also understand it from a different perspective too, I can actually feel the darkness permeate through me as I compare myself – it’s an instaneous reaction..  And yet..  I continue to do it..  I continue to make assumptions about other people’s lives, which, in turn, makes me feel somehow “less than..”..  Am I becoming so addicted to pain, that I need to twist the knife myself?  Is it a form of self-sabotage?

Awareness is the first step to altering that which you no longer want in your life..  Well..  I am more than aware – have been for quite a few years now…  Hmmmm..  I wonder what the next steps are…

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Nervous…

Oh boy..

I thought I was so cool about auditioning for a couple of plays at the local amateur theatre group – thought I could deal with it – thought I was ready for it..  Now that it’s tomorrow – I’m so so nervous..

All my insecurities are coming to the fore.. 

Rejection – Why am I doing this to myself?  Why am I deliberately putting myself out there in a position to be totally rejected?  Am I some kind of idiot?

Not being good enough – What if I am so bad, that people start laughing?  What if I don’t get a part?  Then, I have to write a blog post about how bad I was!! What if I do – and I’m really really bad?

Fears – What happens if by some miracle I do actually get a part – and I forget my lines? Or someone else forgets their lines? Will I be good enough to cover – or will I just freeze?  What if I get so nervous that my voice breaks in the middle of my lines?

Oh boy..

I haven’t even decided which plays I want to audition for.  You see, they are doing one large play (complete with 10 performances) – and a series of 10  minute plays (with 3 performances).  Now, if I was a sensible person – I’d audition for one of the 10 munute plays – just to ease myself into it (& knowing they need over 36 actors – oh bummer – I shouldn’t have admitted to that – I would have to be really really bad not to get a part under those circumstances!!) – to get the feel of acting..  But no!  I’m thinking about auditioning for both of them (one 10 minute play and the big one).. I am totally insane! 

I’ll let you know how badly I do tomorrow night!

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