Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

Forgiveness..  Interesting concept…

What happens when you don’t forgive?  I know what happens to me..  A part of me shrivels up & dies or creates another hard layer of my psyche that is difficult to shift..  And the more I try to push it aside, more & more of my life force/energy gets eaten away until I am left with just a smidgen of what I could be…

Is that any way to live? Is that any way to be?

You are only hurting yourself when you do not forgive..

What I am learning now, is that I can easily forgive other people – so much so that my mother believes me to be an “easy target” and my children think I am weak and need protecting!  (What they don’t understand (at the moment) is that it is a tough road to follow – to pull yourself up when you perceive an attack and let it go.  Which is quite different to ignoring or avoiding a situation.)

However, when it comes to me, I am having great difficulty…  It seems that I have a tendency to be really hard on myself and expect a great deal from myself.  When I fall short of those expectations, I do not forgive, I just give myself a hard time…  No loving thoughts coming my way from me!!

Why is that?

I guess I don’t need to know why…  I just need to learn..  Learn to be loving towards myself..  Learn to offer myself the same advice as I would offer my friends…  Learn to forgive myself..

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Today was a total mixture – full of every emotion I possess.. 

This morning, there was confusion, doubt, tears..  Time spent in therapy, trying to clear some of the crap that I have accumulated over the years.. Normally after that, I feel wonderful for the rest of the day..  But, not today!  Today directly after, I was in panic mode, my heart in my throat, unable to concentrate on anything..  Then, the nervousness began.. 

This afternoon – well, let’s just say, this afternoon was total bliss.. I looked into the eyes of someone I love with all of my being – nothing can compare with that feeling..  I felt at home, complete, enveloped in love for the first time in months..  I’d forgotten what it could be like..  Now, the patience must begin..

And if you knew me, you would know that patience is not a strong point of mine.  I am, however, willing to learn..  Am I scared? – yes – terrified actually..  But then I think of his eyes – I listen to my heart – and it’s not telling me to run away (my mind is.. my mind is saying “Run for the hills”.. get away, while you still have some sanity..), but my heart – my heart belongs to him.

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