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Posts Tagged ‘friendship’

Today..

Today was a total mixture – full of every emotion I possess.. 

This morning, there was confusion, doubt, tears..  Time spent in therapy, trying to clear some of the crap that I have accumulated over the years.. Normally after that, I feel wonderful for the rest of the day..  But, not today!  Today directly after, I was in panic mode, my heart in my throat, unable to concentrate on anything..  Then, the nervousness began.. 

This afternoon – well, let’s just say, this afternoon was total bliss.. I looked into the eyes of someone I love with all of my being – nothing can compare with that feeling..  I felt at home, complete, enveloped in love for the first time in months..  I’d forgotten what it could be like..  Now, the patience must begin..

And if you knew me, you would know that patience is not a strong point of mine.  I am, however, willing to learn..  Am I scared? – yes – terrified actually..  But then I think of his eyes – I listen to my heart – and it’s not telling me to run away (my mind is.. my mind is saying “Run for the hills”.. get away, while you still have some sanity..), but my heart – my heart belongs to him.

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Grateful..

Some history..

4 months ago, the love of my life told me that he could no longer continue with our relationship..  I have been totally devasted ever since..  So much heartache, so much pain – I thought I could never get through it – I thought I would die – I cried for 3 months straight, never letting up..  I cried in front of clients, friends (both new & old) and family..  I had lost any sense of identity – anything I thought was me had disappeared.. I was officially a blank canvas..

This total breakdown was so unusual for me – so outside any experience I have had.  You see I had always been taught that you don’t show your emotions – it only shows your weakness!  And heaven forbid you allow yourself to be vulnerable!!  So, I grew up holding everything inside – only crying when noone else was around – always being bright & cherpy around people – even hid my emotions from myself! 

Anyway, all that is a little bit of background (the last 4 months have been the biggest challenge in my life to date – for more than that reason..)  But, the huge huge positives during this time have been the people in my life..

My clients who pay me to assist them have turned into my therapists, some offer me a shoulder to cry on, some offer me extra work – just so I can pay my bills..  One texts me every single day just to cheer me up.. That same man knows when I am feeling so low and in need of a hug, on his way home from work, he will take a detour (about 1/2 hour out of his way) come here, knock on my door – hug me – then leave again..

My friends are just continually there for me – they listen – they empathise – they cajole – they offer their wisdom – they nurture..

And now, I am meeting people here..  It seems so many people have come and are coming out of the woodwork at my lowest point in this life. 

In between the tears – I feel so very grateful and blessed.

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