“My heart is breaking….”

Words that nearly everyone can relate to..  If you have lived, I believe you will have at some point in your life, experienced your heart breaking…  Whether it be from a relationship with a significant other, with parents, with children or indeed with a special pet, or something else entirely, to live is to experience heart break.

The reason for this post, however, is not to explore heart break, but to write about a wonderful book I have read by fellow blogger Vivienne Tuffnell called “Strangers and Pilgrims”.

It begins by exploring the lives of different people and their individual paths as they journey through life, each experiencing their own special form of misery.  Each of them getting so desperate that they type in the words “My heart is breaking and I’m dying inside” into a search engine hoping beyond hope that by some miracle, they can find what they need to begin living again.

And oh my, that is where the journey truly begins..  The way Viv brings her characters to life and weaves her way through their lives is truly magical..  I literally could not put the second half of the book down, I continued to read until 3 in the morning, without any comprehension of time passing. And yes, I did have work on the next day – so warning – read it on the weekend!

Such a talented writer, with tremendous insight into human nature, she makes each of the characters believable and draws you into their lives with effortless ease.

I really loved it..  Thank you Viv for bringing it to life.

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Unconditional Love – Possible or not??

Unconditional love..  Is it a real possibility or is it an urban myth?

How many people can live and breathe Unconditional Love 24/7?

I used to believe that I loved my children, my family (brothers, mother, uncles, nephews, cousins, etc etc), my friends unconditionally..  And, I knew I was always needing to learn unconditional love when I had a partner..

Now, I’m not so sure..

To me, to live with Unconditional Love means:

• to love someone without any hidden agendas,
• to love them no matter what they do,
• to love them without expectation or judgement,
• to see their light rather than their behaviour,
• to know that there are no labels (good, bad, etc) – everything just is.

When I look at that list, I know deep within me that I can tick the top two – but the bottom three?  Wow..  As I said I used to think I did!   However, after listening to one of my daughters, I realised that I do judge my children (in the sense of getting disappointed with the things they do, especially now that they are mini adults and needing to spread their wings) – I do get caught up in their behaviour – I do get so pissed off with them that I am the one needing a “time out”.  If it’s not possible for me to love my own children unconditionally, is that whole concept a possibility for me at all?

Why is it that the people with whom we have the closest relationship, tend to be the ones we are most conditional about?  What is really at play here?  Our ego?  The mirror with all its facets saying “right back at you”?  Is it all a rouse to wake us up?  Maybe it’s because we are not unconditional with ourselves first and foremost.

I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to always come from a position of love.  Love is our natural state.  When did it stop being so?  Or at least becoming so that we have to search to find it?  Have we really gone that far astray from ourselves?  I know when I am coming from a position of love, my entire being vibrates at an entirely different level and I feel so at peace and at one with the world.  Knowing that feeling..  Experiencing that feeling…  Why on earth do I ever allow myself to go back to the lower vibrations?  Is it a habit to live in those lower vibrations?  If so, then surely I can make love a habit…

That is what I am currently working on..  And oh my, it is a constant challenge.  I have to catch those unloving thoughts (that seem to occur with ease) as they creep in and turn them around.  It’s fascinating to watch – like one of those cartoons with an angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other both whispering in your ear.  Which one am I going to listen to now?  (Was it this tricky to learn the other habit?)

Even after all of this questioning, I still believe that it’s a real possibility…

Awareness being the first step of awakening…

Neutrality….

There is no such thing as a neutral thought..  Everything we think we apply a judgement to it… Good, bad, better, worse, etc etc…

Think of chocolate..  In itself, very neutral.. It is neither good nor bad, it just is…  Until we start thinking about it..  Yummmmm…  Fattening….  Pimple inducing… Yummmmm…  Sweet…  Gooooood…  Oh no – it’s going straight to my hips just thinking about it… Nourishing… Did I mention Yummmm?…  Comforting…      You get the idea!

I wonder what our world would look like if we stopped making judgements and just accepted what is…

Forgiveness…

Forgiveness..  Interesting concept…

What happens when you don’t forgive?  I know what happens to me..  A part of me shrivels up & dies or creates another hard layer of my psyche that is difficult to shift..  And the more I try to push it aside, more & more of my life force/energy gets eaten away until I am left with just a smidgen of what I could be…

Is that any way to live? Is that any way to be?

You are only hurting yourself when you do not forgive..

What I am learning now, is that I can easily forgive other people – so much so that my mother believes me to be an “easy target” and my children think I am weak and need protecting!  (What they don’t understand (at the moment) is that it is a tough road to follow – to pull yourself up when you perceive an attack and let it go.  Which is quite different to ignoring or avoiding a situation.)

However, when it comes to me, I am having great difficulty…  It seems that I have a tendency to be really hard on myself and expect a great deal from myself.  When I fall short of those expectations, I do not forgive, I just give myself a hard time…  No loving thoughts coming my way from me!!

Why is that?

I guess I don’t need to know why…  I just need to learn..  Learn to be loving towards myself..  Learn to offer myself the same advice as I would offer my friends…  Learn to forgive myself..

Way over due…

I have not written anything here for over a year (thanks for the reminder Enreal.), for a variety of reasons..  Mainly because I have found it extremely difficult to find the words to write..  I have often sat here (on my bed, laptop sitting where it belongs – on my lap!) with this window open and no words would come..  And sometimes, the words were so depressing that I did not want to leave a reminder of how low I can get..

Over the year, a lot has happened (major operation, divorce coming through when I was in hospital – which was extremely symbolic, broken heart, a few plays – just to name a few!) and yet, everything has remained the same..   How weird that is..  That no matter how many steps you take to change your life, it can sometimes all remain exactly the same.  I must admit that this has challenged me greatly over the year..

I believed that if you want to change your life, you take steps to create those changes.  Read books, take up a new hobby, take up a sport, do things that make you laugh, smile, etc etc…  But now, that belief has been shaken a bit..  Now, I’m leaning a bit towards: Life moves in cycles, and if you happen to be in a “low” cycle – there is not much to do but wait it out..  Bit like going into hibernation..  Maybe there are lessons to be learnt during these times, so work on the inner, work on inner peace, so you don’t get so caught up or attached to the cycles.

Who knows?

Quote…

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.
 Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”

Albert Schwietzer

Quote..

“The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice.”

George Eliot

Diversity..

I find it fascinating how a group of people can read the same quote and all find different meanings in the words..

Let me explain.. It was my turn to hold our monthly women’s group meeting on Saturday.  The women involved in this group are all talented, creative, independent thinkers, have the courage for self exploration and are leaders in their chosen field.  Everyone comes from extremely different backgrounds and all have very different experiences in life, and yet, the group works..

Part of our discussion revolved around this quote:

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

Martin Luther King Jr

There were 7 women at this meeting and the quote affected each one in a unique way.  No two women had the same interpretation..

Anywhere from guilt at having neglected friends, to likening “enemies” to the “mind”, to how amazing it is to have friends that you can be silent with, to my version which was that people need to stand up for what they believe in and not to live in fear of what will happen if they do..

Same words, different meanings for everyone present..

Diversity in all its glory – gotta love it!

Quote..

“ Be less of a judge and you will be surprised that when you become a witness and you don’t judge yourself, you stop judging others too. And that makes you more human, more compassionate, more understanding. ”

Osho

Wow.. That was a long time!

I can’t believe it’s been sooo long since I’ve posted anything.. I’ve been missing everyone!

I have been unbelievably busy rehearsing for the play that opened on Thursday night.  Yes!! Opening night is over – woo hoo!! And I made it through – I didn’t forget my lines – I didn’t fall apart at the seams (although, it did feel like I would leading up to the event..).. 

I really had forgotten how much I love the experience of amateur theatre.. I love the rehearsing, the camaraderie that is created, the learning of lines, the getting out of my comfort zone, the only things that I am still a little (oh, ok.. A LOT) nervous about are the actual performances and all that is required from you (like curtain calls & the meet & greet afterwards).. 

There have been so many memorable moments – both on stage & off.. There have been times where I have laughed so much, my cheeks were sore.. There have been times when I have been so embarrassed I just wanted to slink away.. There have been times where I have been so exhausted, I thought I would collapse in a heap..  And then there have been the times where I felt completely at home with a cast and crew of over 13 people from all different walks of life..

Oooh.. I also had my very first radio interview the other day (on the play) – So all in all, even though my “normal” life has been pushed aside over the last few months – it has been and is continuing to be a wonderful experience.. I will be forever grateful for being part of it..